Meeting old friends is not always a pleasant experience. Especially those who remind and specifically speak of certain circumstances that had been difficult. "So... U loved him soooo much na.... But he never responded back.... How silly of you".... Oh poor me! Wish I could tell her it may have been a one sided failed affair for her and others like her, but to me it was much more.... But I didn't saw her worthy enough to make any explanation. People like her don't hurt me anymore.... Conversations like these don't embarrass me anymore. Yes I was hurt at that time.... I was in school, tenth grade, I was a kid... Too young.... Too naive... But I loved him... (I laugh as I write this statement.... Because I know now it was not love)... But I have grown, matured, learnt. 'He' is not just the boy I liked, my little crush but a lesson, a very important lesson. A lesson I learnt very early in life but one worth keeping for a lifetime. I was a lost kid, dealing with a identity crisis, full of complaints about how people around me didn't care for me enough. I was so sure that my near and dear ones were aloof and non-committent in what soever relationship they were in with me. As lonely and desperate as I was, I didn't fail to search for love around me. And soon I got lucky to find it in you... My first love (as I believed). So it was spring all around, I was in love and i announced that to the world without realizing (at that point of time) that for the kite to soar someone has to hold the manjha. So the kite flew and fluttered eventually to crash down all strangled and destroyed. I was hurt....hard and deep. I put in so much of myself into him only to face the ruthless rejection... I was more of me in him than in me... I could see my effort and lack of his in this venture called first love. What I also saw (unexpectedly) was a reflection of me in every one around. Ironically, I saw all the efforts my loved ones were putting to strengthen the delicate strands which connected them to me. And suddenly my self-centered world transformed to three dimensional, as if my vision enlarged. I could see other aspects of being in relationships than just the complaining part. But I just saw.... I was too busy.... Busy crying over my broken toy. I mourned for days and nights, cursed myself for my actions and words. The spring turned into chilled winter cutting through my nerves, it was dark and dead. It all seemed endless. I don't know for how long I was stuck there... In that moment. I was unaware but time rolled... The little girl grew into a woman and one day the winter gave way to a new season... A season of maturity...!! All that little gestures of love and care I kept seeing from my world began to register. It all processed faster and here I was admiring how much I had to belong to. A sense of appreciation enveloped me. I could now see the invisible charm in all delicate bonds I was tied to. As years passed i learned to pay attention to the mechanics of bonding, I made it a point to take note of the smiles in compromises, peace in sacrifices, pain and pleasure in adjustments, sanity in grivences, relief in forgiveness, purity in love, so on and so forth. Essentially I was learning how to build a relationship and treasure it, how to make a commitment and keep it forever... I was learning to love and to be loved..... For I knew how much it would hurt if things don't work out in a relationship. Hence, a crushed first love regenerated into a moral lesson. So... 'He' promoted himself in the newly established hierarchy of significance erected in my heart... The crater he created by his impactful distance became my canvas. I was painting portraits and landscapes of a beautiful world. My world. That little devastated girl never stopped loving because she was not loved back... Instead she loved more. 'He' moved on leaving his footprints back.. And some of them are still fresh in my heart. I don't mourn him anymore.... I love him forever like my favorite book.... Whose lessons are my life now. I have a whole lot of people I connect to.. Thanks to him... All he did was to make me stronger... He never loved me back but his farewell gift to me was... love... Of all kinds... Family, friends, husband and now a beautiful little daughter...
So... Dear long lost friend, my first love affair lasted forever... It still enchants my world. 'Silly' as u say of me ... Maybe back then.... But as I look back... 'He' was best thing ever happened to me....
